Home - where?

Perhaps it's just whining or so but quite often you catch yourself thinking - "I want to go home!" Where it's safe, known, calm and mostly you can do whatever you want and be yourself. Because it's your home, sweet home, your palace or whatever the people's wisdom say about it.

But the question is - where is the home? What makes it home? Can you have more than one home? How do you determine which home would you want to be now in this moment?

I've always been between at least two places which I could attribute a term "home". My mom's family is from another part of Latvia, and though it's a small country, it does take several hours by train, bus or private car to get there to another world. My grandma used to ask me when I was little: "So where do you like to be more - in the city or here in the countryside?" Each summer and most of the holidays we were heading from our city apartment to a countryside farm with a huge territory, animals and nature to embrace. And I always answered to my grandma: "During the winter in city, in summer here in the countryside." Both were my places with my own people in both of them.

And that's how I've been continuing for the most of my life - to be at in at least two different places - in my Bachelor studies, Erasmus time, work, and now moving from Latvia to Mexico, and even making it all harder - choosing my Master thesis fieldwork place outside of my "normal" lifestyle environment from Mexico's second biggest city (at least 3 times bigger than whole Latvia) to a small ex-fishermen village where people still have their ancient customs, they know the names of the trees and life is as it's practically anywhere in the world in a village - be nice to me, and I will be nice to you, don't be rude - because I know where you live, and the rumors fly in the speed of light.

It does not mean that I'm adapting fast to new environments or being able to feel and make myself like at home at any place of the world. Not at all. Actually I could make another post how hard it was to speak another language (though you know all grammar and can perfectly understand what everyone is saying), how weird it was (ok, and still is) to kiss everyone for hello and goodbye instead of just recognizing that they are noticed of being here, or to understand that here in Mexico being bright, noticeable, loud is lots higher virtue than being humble, calm and workaholic that has been always taught in Latvia. Or on the other hand here in the Catholic Guadalajara to make it very simple - that your bright red toe nails won't be a sign of good style during the first meeting with your to-be-husband's family.

But it does mean - there can be more than one home, sweet home. And for me personally it's getting harder and harder to distinguish which one to miss at some times. I love my family and my friends which are in Latvia and elsewhere outside of Mexico where I live currently. I guess it will cost a lifetime to acquire so close people as I have there. But I do love my to-be-husband and I'm more than 100% sure that this is the right choice to be here, to become part of his family and to look for other opportunities I naively planned for myself 5 years ago. I love being in a warm weather and hear birds singing in the interview transcripts for my thesis, it's hard to imagine wearing sweaters, hats and gloves, and having radiators instead of ACs, or handling -30 degrees (Celsius). Or to put it very simple - to see sad and depressed faces in the train Jelgava-Riga and back.

But sometimes I do miss some things, and all my places are still my homes though it still sounds grammatically incorrect for my non-Native speaker English language.

before leaving: survival techniques

yes, yes, I'm leaving again. this time no goodbye parties, I'll be back soon. still the feelings are always weird before closing the suitcases and going to airport. longed so much but still now wanting to meet and hug everyone before leaving.
so let's look at life here during the last 4 months.

never thought so many things could change after 5 months away. even after Erasmus adventure what totally moved my world upside down.
but here I am. almost finished the first semester of my dream studies which I never thought will be so hard, again heading South, again without certain plan. and no possible answers to questions about getting married. btw, it's impolite to ask that.

survived in the cold, between neverending train routes Jelgava-Riga-Jelgava, still amazed by people in the public transportation (my as well I guess), handled the judgments and for the first time felt awkward for my age - being the youngest in university and one of the oldest in youth organization.
so my two remedies:

- learn from Mexico. no matter how much Latvians are always swearing about mañana philosophy and getting stressed about things not done in the right order in the set deadlines, there is some wisdom in that. chill. don't stress about what you cannot change. don't torture yourself if it doesn't help to solve the problem. it doesn't mean people in Mexico do not have worries, even from the telenovelas you've seen that they do know how to make drama but in the next moment (day, week, whenever but soon) the issue is forgotten to give place to more important things - relations, family and friends, small life pleasures. it's not bad to think about yourself and love yourself.

even if the studies are total headaches, even if I've never read Rousseau, have no clue about Michel Foucault or never used words "discourse" instead of debates (current issues, way of talk), "narrative" or "arbitrary" literary translated into Latvian (naratīvs - stāstījums, arbitrārs - patvaļīgi pieņemts) which says as much as the same word in English transcription and "empirical epistemology" is still a weird way of saying "knowledge gained from experience"... there is always a way how to make things simple and get an inspiration even from very academic issues.
One of the coolest lectures I've had this semester was about (dis)enchantment of the modern world by Jane Bennett (here a quick glance into). some of the checklist questions to everyone:

Do you (privately) believe that we are better off than nonmodern peoples precisely because we approach the world with the confidence that "one can, in principle, master all things by calculation"?
But does this picture of the world as a "causal mechanism" also leave you wondering about the purpose of it all? In other words, has science stamped "imprint of meaningless" on your life and death?

Is it ok to run after some kind of imagined goals put on you by the society or better to have your own vision of what you want to reach and take it easy, enjoying the life?
Is it ok to pretend you are super-smart or actually do something for good with the knowledge you gain? I prefer the last option.

- find things that fulfill life and take up responsibility. AIESEC. "why you need to work for free?", "what's the point of your activities?", "do conferences mean sex, beer and girls?" questions again I answer very avoidably. no, conferences do not mean that, there is point and working for free can give much more than work from 9 am to 6 pm every working day. I enjoy being in top management of the organization that truly stands for changing the world for a better place. Look around - it's us, especially the young people, who will do the big things. Not mystical they that would come and solve everything for you. 110+ countries and territories come together with common goals - this is truly about peace and human kind potential fulfillment! Even if it's sounds a bit "sectarian'' :P
Where else you can actually see the good results and changes in lives? Where else you can make actual impact on global issues? And where else I will enjoy working after midnight? :)

to stop for a while, read some books and let life take you where you enjoy being the most.
hasta luego!

Being yourself and being part of

It's good to be home but when you start to ask yourself where exactly your home is things become tricky. I've come to a point where my international and intercultural experience has become a sign of instability - at least in the eyes of the potential employers. Though I don't feel that. Here everyone wants to "teach" you what is good and what is bad. At age of 23 you should have at least a stable job and wedding plans next year. I've talked about it before many times but somehow it still bothers me.

Yes, having a real job and nice career is good, having constant income is even better, knowing your plans in 5 years perspective - ok.
The paradox is that it even would be nice at least having an option to have it. But there is not. The wonderful economical situation here in Latvia is one reason.
But another thing I'd like to refer to is that kind of explorer sparkle that we have only when being in our 20ies and tying ourselves to one big plan can turn into a big deception.

I do feel very happy about being here, seeing everyone, I love the new field of my studies and even the feeling that I have to put away almost everything I studied in the undergraduate studies.
I've gained some lessons - literally and metaphorically.
But I still don't know what's next. And guess what...looks like I don't even want to know. Plans do not work always. That's reality. Even if all the signs say it's the right time, all the opportunities look at you and your inner Latvian says that careful planning and future predicting is the key to success.

Another thing I've finally formulated to myself. I cannot like everyone and I cannot be liked by everyone. A horrifying conclusion after all the time thinking that it's always possible to find common language :D
First thoughts came to me within my disastrous experience with AIESEC Mexico when my dream about ideal internship and my persistent trying to be there ended quite badly professionally, though personally even more than happily. That is another story that I prefer for personal conversations, and I do not blame anyone, just gained lessons for myself.
Some misunderstandings, a big language barrier, some insulted pride, some rumors put in the middle and in the end no one is talking to you to solve anything and you don't want to talk to anyone as nothing would change.
Or here, coming back home even if my plans didn't work - neverending questions about my future, my current way of life, my recklessness (!!), my relationships, etc. Sorry, if I prefer to be offline and to talk only to positive and my closest people which both sadly do not always fit in the same category.

We shouldn't care what others say, we should challenge the traditional frames that society tries to put on us, but Latvia is too small to choose to be an outsider.
It would be awesome to find the right formula on combining the inner thoughts, feelings, opinions and a way how to express them being a part of society, nation, world, etc.

Maybe there is no formula. Maybe my studies will help, those smart guys from my anthropological texts have been thinking about this since a long time. Maybe after some time it won't matter.
But now it does.

Back to basics

Perhaps it's a worldwide phenomenon that everyone will try to put you in their own frame, viewpoint, order and criticize if you are doing something opposite.
Or it's just me who feels it as an issue.
It is commonly accepted that in Latvia you have a certain flow of life - you graduate, you start working, meanwhile getting so called serious boyfriend, leaving parents house, making career, getting married, having kids and then by age of 35-40 you can look back at your life and say that you did well. You run so fast through life fighting with everyone and everything to achieve what needs to be achieved and then you realize that life is passing by. You do "what needs to be done", what is correct by some unwritten rules.
No, I don't know. I suppose what others might suppose and what I see around (subjectively, of course).
That was also my plan and it worked quite well until I was here until middle of my Bachelor studies.
But then I changed the environment and realized things are different. World is different and much more bigger than I thought - i.e., maybe the right word is not bigger, but that there IS something behind borders of Latvia. (And being part of the world, doesn't mean to stop being Latvian.)
Since then I have a feeling of looking for something. I still don't know what and how but I don't feel fitting into the "normal" universally recognized Latvian lifestyle.
Yet I am here and back in the start position - the same as when graduating high school. In a Master program with 10 000 new things and learning many almost from the scratch, though, I thought I knew something from social sciences, the same living place, changing several public transports to get somewhere and carefully planning the budget but looking at the world differently.
Hope the last thing will help to understand how, why and where to aim next.

Back to Latvia: 3rd day

You go away just for 5 months and even the favorite ATM has changed its place.
Time in Mexico didn't exist and I still have a feeling that I left just yesterday but it is different to be back. Especially not knowing for how long - don't ask me that. I do have thousand great plans and I will fulfill at least some of them. And - yes, we're still together and that's the best thing that has ever happened.

2 and a half days spent here and my balance:
Forgotten PIN code, getting lost in Riga's public transportation, new tunnel to get to train station, old Russian speaking men conversations in train about good old Soviet times and how smart was Stalin (today, of course, no one is so smart and world, i.e., Latvia, because nothing else outside former Soviet union borders simply do not exist, is going to the end), again seeing double language signs on the streets and shops, indescribable cold (ok, Siberia and other places should be colder but still) and fear to walk out for 15 min not to freeze my legs and face, application for Master studies in a field I'm sure I will love but don't know if I can take it and weak hopes to find a temporary job or projects to fit into normal Latvian life.

See u around!
In the pictures - frozen windows in the trams to my new university.

Different kind of love story (-ies)

Just wanted to share the great way of saying out loud the injustice: mixedandhappy (.com) project.
Story that more probably could happen in Latvia where marrying or even just dating a foreign partner is still if not something totally extraordinary, then a shame and shock for all the society.

In Latvia only some start to speak about it and say out louder the problems that exist when encountering mixed couples both within laws and people's minds, e.g., this article from politika.lv shows injustice of many couples.

The story about mixedandhappy is even simpler and obviously biased. A judge denied a marriage license to an interracial couple with an argument of well-being of the children in this kind of marriage. The judge now is ex-judge but the couple is collecting pictures from 100 mixed families to send him as a Christmas greeting - a proof how happy and blessed they all are. In their blog you can already see 89 of them, just 11 more to go.

Love comes in all different shapes,sizes and colors. That is what makes the world go round. /Quote from one of the contributors/

Way to loud topic for Latvia and our closed society. As I've discovered in my Bachelor thesis research we are not ready even for foreign employees in our companies, not even talking about couples that are from different countries but I'm positive that these thoughts are changing. And changing only for our own good.

Yes, I am quite subjective because of my own relationship, but we cannot deny that despite the angry protests, hate and discrimination, world is getting smaller and smaller by every day.
And that makes life only more interesting and beneficial, but doesn't makes us to lose our identity, traditions or worldviews.

Contrasts & conclusions: first month in Mexico

From a very subjective and personal Latvian perspective.
A month and a half in Mexico. With different time flow and different turn of many other things. Some of my observations and conclusions.

• There are places not mentioned in tour guide books, that you almost cannot find in Google, that no one really talks about it but that also is Mexico. Next to perfect beaches, greenest mountains, the most expensive houses and highest office buildings with small airports on them there are also simply poor neighborhoods with a very real life there. Even if there is only one little sentence in Wikipedia that says - among the most criminal places in Mexico, please, trust the information of this un-academic resource.
  

• Blond hair is a luxury, nature gift and obstacle simultaneously, as well as blue (ok, actually grayish blue) eyes. All that makes you different, strange or special. Everything depends on the situation but you can never become local. Perhaps it's not even necessary to become one but a day without weird looks to you would be nice.
  

• On the other hand, simply beauty very often is not a successful combination of the correct genes but a result of carefully planned operations (starting from adolescence, why to wait until your body is completely mature...), tons of make-up (for going out but none in the next morning) and other things you can get with certain amounts of money.
  

• Just a Bachelor degree gives you a magical abbreviation before your name - Lic. (Licenciado). If you become exceedingly successful (as a result from status in society or position at work, i.e., being born in the right family, years of hard work or simply luck), it serves as second name and address. Quite similar to what we would say for a director, manager, boss. Something higher for others to know their place in hierarchy which here is stronger than anywhere. Master or Doctor degree is meant for academic careers.
  

• Tropical climate in the beach cities brings sun and paradise worth views - that is totally true, but also tons of animals and things you never know existed. In the ocean live little fleas that bite invisibly but terribly and itch for a week, normal mosquitoes do not buzz like in Latvia but bite harder than in Līgo Midsummer eve, in the room iguanas are often guests, ants are the owners of sidewalks and in the bathroom in the middle of the night you can encounter huge cockroach saying hi to you.
  

• But if you complain about Latvia's changing weather, spend some time in Mexico city summer - one moment hottest sun, next ice cold rain, then all into smog. Stars and romantic sky can be found in other cities. The metropolitan side effects.
  

• Do you think that it's very normal and even recommendable to start your own life after high school or university? No way! Why to live in a cheap apartment and save money for food and going out and take care of your own life if you can live with your parents until getting married...
  

• Modesty is not a virtue here. Strong self confidence and loud voice - that could be the first means to conquer Mexico. If you are quiet, it's a bit weird. Yes, I'm not really fitting here :P
  

• Also cooking and other housekeeping skills are desired, but definitely not required, here a woman doesn't need to combine all possible roles - perfect career, perfect housewife, mother, lover, etc. Not good or bad, but simply as it is. Here getting a maid and a gardener to do everything seems much easier than breaking oneself apart with all the responsibilities.
  

• Silence here can be found only in deep forests, high mountains or far deserts. But even then if there will be at least 2 Mexicans, peace is gone. As well here it is not common to respect one's personal space or privacy, or sleep in early mornings. Collective culture with all the strong family links and deep traditions brings some side effects as well.
  

• Chili, salt and lime (as here there are no yellow lemons as we have, lime in Spanish gets name of lemon - limón) is a classical combination in many dishes here and surprisingly I'm starting to love it more and more each day, though at home tried to avoid spicy food as much as possible.
  

• Time here is very relative - "I'll call you in one hour" might also mean calling the next day or just a polite way of saying "no" and not being able to say sorry. But on the other hand time here flies faster than in Europe.
  

What else?
Hmmm... Yes, it is sunny and each day more and more the weather is getting different from home, but rain and thunder is much stronger than in Latvia and Mexicans themselves don't appreciate the sun as we do, ocean is quite far and seeing truly white sand is not my every day view as many are thinking, no one knows about a place called Latvia but then also no one knows anything about our economical situation and I can make the first impression...
Many things here are different and as I've discovered everything has at least two sides to look at. To be happy about some things and to get angry and not being able to accept that. But that's what I wanted to prove to myself.

Hopefully will be continued.

almost leaving

Do I love Latvia?
Im leaving my country tomorrow. At least for a year. As many others are doing now. Yet somehow I want to believe it's different. I feel that for me it's a must to get out and see that there is something different outside. Maybe just to understand that there is no better place than home. Or maybe to gain one more place of home. I dont know how it will go but after already living abroad for a while I've understood that going away doesnt mean disappearing forever or leaving your patriotic feelings away. I'll always be Latvian, in love with 4 seasons and quiet lifestyle. Enjoying every sunny day we get and happy about first flowers in spring. Even if abroad my nationality has other name or no one has ever known about our existence.

But in order not to become too Latvian with all the negativity that has become too current now...its a must to see that there are bigger cities, different people, things that are done the other way and it doesnt mean its worse. To break my own values and see if I can put them back together in a better way. To challenge myself. To learn language. To check if the love of life is real.

Im not going for better life, its everywhere good if you look for it. People in Mexico might be happier than us by Happy Planet Index or just taking life easier but it doesnt mean they dont have problems and their way of doing is the ideal that we should take over here.

Maybe we should just smile a bit more often here and appreciate what we have and not the other way. Even if government is not perfect, we have the country. Whenever we are.